Grit & Grace

 

So, I read something this morning that stopped me in my tracks.
” The body can live without food easier than the soul can live without meaning.”
Thank you, Richard Rohr.
He goes on to say-“Life is all about winning by losing-losing with grace and letting our losses teach and transform us”
I find this powerful; as I find myself broken
Yes, broken.
I’ve come a long way.
I am walking and alive and I am so very happy.
But, I am also aware that I am no longer what I was.
My body isn’t working the way it once did.
My four-year check up showed I’m essentially unchanged from last year.
And the year before that.
My mom says I’m grieving the loss of my legs, life as I knew it.
Maybe
Probably
But, I’m also aware that everyone, in some way, is broken.
We just hide it
Lie about it
Cover it up and
Compensate
I played that way my whole life
Using clothes, makeup, hair color, shoes…purses
Anything to make me feel better
It’s why my sister drank
To feel better about being broken
Some scars are easy to hide.
Some illness are invisible
And some are very obvious.
Today is my twelfth wedding anniversary.
I look at what we have lost as a couple and its crippling to think about.
Me literally being crippled
But I am
My husband worries everyday he’s not with me.
He watches my every move when he is.
I have spent the last four years trying to prove that I’m ok.
Being brave
Feeling terrified and doing it anyway
Pushing myself
Smiling with gritted teeth
Swallowing the disappointment every time my right foot,still won’t move.
Swallowing the fear that it might not ever move.
Wiping away the tears before they fall.
Picking myself up when I fall, again.
Grateful I didn’t break any bones, this time.
I actually have a lot to be grateful for.
A
Lot
I am stronger and better and more active no matter what the tests say in Chicago.
But, as I turn the other cheek
I have to realize I can’t turn in a circle
Or look over my shoulder when I’m walking
Stand in the middle of a room
Or on my toes
I am broken and trying to find the meaning.
Trying to find the message so I can help-
Myself make sense of all this
And quite possibly some one reading this
To make sense of their loss-
Their own brokenness.
I have been searching for meaning, everywhere.
I order books on Amazon like a gambler puts coins in the slots.
I am relentless in the pursuit of figuring it out.
Explaining the unexplainable
Praying the same prayers that have never been answered.
Nobody knows what will come back from the nerve damage.
Recovery wasn’t promised
Eradicating the disease was
So, here I am
Broken and Alive
Owning the things that don’t work
Living with the things that do
And finding a balance between the two
I know that it’s dark in the belly of the whale.
I know how time drags when a question goes unanswered.
I know what real anger towards God looks like and feels.
I know what an effort a shower takes some days.
But
I also know what real love looks like.
I know what true tenderness is.
I recognize sincerity and compassion in a whole new way.
Most of the time, I never think about being broken.
Most of the time, I’m just trying to live my life.
Most of the time, I’m just happy to have lunch plans.
But
I’m also searching for the meaning.
I’m trying to figure out how to live revealed
not concealed
I’m asking what now.
I’m asking how this life can be used.
I’m asking for the lessons to be made clear.

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