Beyond Bliss & Despair

You cannot believe how euphoric you feel
You have never loved like this before
Been loved like this
You tingle everywhere
You smile until it hurts
You lie in bed and stretch out your arms and you cannot believe this is your life
That you are this lucky
This girl
He says ” I love you”
You cannot believe your heart can beat this hard, this fast
You dance and laugh
Kiss and dream
And plan
You meet his very wealthy father, who’s aged perfectly and he is gorgeous
He smiles and throws his coat over a shoulder and boards a private plane
You are going to have this life
The wedding
The cake
The dress
All of it is happening and it’s perfection and happiness to a level you never knew
You are young
And your body shakes with the warm possibilities
Until he pulls you aside
Puts your back against a wall and tells you he is HIV positive
You will hold your breath
Shake your head
You will want to run
What do you do
Go home and pull the covers over your head
Lie there and remember every kiss
Every dream
Every detail will play back with vivid clarity
It’s a cruel trick of the mind
Your heart beats heavy and you feel dizzy
How will you move forward?
How will anyone mean that much again?
How will you ever love again?

Despair is a feeling and a place
Anyone who has been injured knows it
Every alcoholic knows where it is
So does everyone that’s had a bad medical diagnosis
Despair doesn’t creep in
It roars in like a category 5 hurricane
It shatters lives and dreams and futures
It blows your mind
Ask anyone who has made it through boot camp
Suffered in the heat, the water, the dark and humped it with a rucksack
Gone days without sleep or food but the goal was in sight
The stripes
The elite status
The war machine was chopping and charging and you came out on top
A special force
You can’t believe you can feel this alive
This Powerful
Untouchable by man or God
Your muscles pulse
Your whole body throbs
You made it and landed in the dessert
The jungle
Your destiny
The beast of the enemy sniffed you out
Locked it’s sights on your life
Your body is now broken
Sight gone
Legs gone
Hands gone
Your face is a roadmap to hell and back
You’ve been to hell and back
How do you live now?
Will you ever care about anything again?
Will you ever walk again?
Love a woman again?
Feel proud again?
How will you ever move forward?

All you have is today
This moment
You can spend your days looking back
Or you can be present now
Your spirit isn’t damaged
It’s not even touched by this tragedy
It is whole and complete
Your soul is unbroken and
This is where love lives
This is the part of you that has peace
Your dreams may have died
But, you didn’t
Life looks different than it did
You look different
You are different
So that’s the reality
The day ahead is all yours
Every second you can choose to be better
Or bitter
Every second there is a choice
And it’s all yours

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