I Lay on my old bed in our guest room
Everything in here is familiar
I close my eyes and try to forget that I can’t move my feet
Straighten my fingers
Stand without holding onto something
Who was I that played,laughed,cooked
Who am I now that is so full of fear
That falls down, unable to dress myself
Take a shower alone
I squeeze my eyes tighter and when I open them
It’s me on the bed
Unrecognizable to myself
I hate this
I grit my teeth
Force my thoughts back like vomit in the throat
Surrender…..WHAT?
The fight? The fear? The drive to improve? The hope to heal?
Who takes this surrender? Where do I leave it?
I pray to God daily, by the minute
BEG
PLEAD
BARGAIN
But nothing, nada, just me and the voice in my head
That
Never
Ever
Shuts
Up