The Last Ponytail

I think we are born with the question “Who am I?”
I think it’s in our DNA to want to know why we are here and if we matter.
It’s a craving that is never really satisfied. When good things happen we
celebrate and soak it up. We laugh and feel vibrantly alive.
But, when tragedy strikes, an accident happens or illness takes over it’s always why me?
It takes a long time to realize, why not you. It’s a humbling moment.
It takes your words away for a while.
I have shelves of books from amazing modern day masters.
I have five different Bibles.
I am trying to get the lesson, uncover the meaning.
Be aware in the everyday and be grateful.
I feel like I am looking for a cool shady spot in the Sahara.
I think I started out as Scarlett at the BBQ in Gone with the Wind and am now the older version, broken and scared, but still believing tomorrow is another day.
The term go with the flow wasn’t really my style. I’m a textbook case for bossy.
It’s impossible to stay in that mind set when you can’t wiggle your toes.
I feel like my head needs to crack open and all the old ways, thoughts and habits should fall out and be picked up and thrown away.
It’s hard to become someone new.
It’s also hard to sit and reflect on how you were healthy and unappreciative.
Thats’ the thing about last times, you never know they are.
Did I like my last ponytail? The last time I wore jeans, did I look at myself and like what I saw I hope so but I probably felt fat and vowed to workout more, later.
What a shame.
Now, I’m thirty pounds heavier and couldn’t walk into the gym or wear my jeans and my hair is super short and I cringe at what I squandered.

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